Advanced User:
A person who has managed to remove a computer from its
packing materials.
Power User:
A person who has mastered the brightness and contrast controls
on any computer monitor.
American Made:
Assembled in America from parts made abroad.
Alpha Test Version:
Too buggy to be released to the paying public.
Beta Test Version:
Still too buggy to be released.
Release Version:
Alternate pronunciation of "Beta Test Version".
Sales Manager:
Last week's new sales associate.
Consultant:
A former sales associate who has mastered at least one tenth
of the dBase III Plus Manual.
Systems Integrator:
A former consultant who understands the term AUTOEXEC.BAT.
AUTOEXEC.BAT:
A sturdy aluminum or wooden shaft used to coax AT hard disks into
performing properly.
Backup:
The duplicate copy of crucial data that no one bothered to make;
used only in the abstract.
Clone:
One of the many advanced-technology computers IBM is beginning to
wish it had built.
Convertible:
Transformable from a second-rate computer to a first-rate
doorstop or paperweight. (Replaces the term "junior".)
Copy Protection:
A clever method of preventing incompetent pirates from
stealing software and legitimate customers from using it.
Database Manager:
A program that allows users to manipulate data in every
conceivable way except the absolutely essential way they
conceive of the day after entering 20 megabytes of raw data.
EMS:
Emergency Medical Service; often summoned in cases of apoplexy induced
by attempts to understand extended, expanded, or enhanced memory specs.
Encryption:
A powerful algorithmic encoding technique employed in the creation
of computer manuals.
FCC-Certified:
Guaranteed not to interfere with radio or television reception
until you add the cable that is required to make it work.
Hard Disk:
A device that allows users to delete vast quantities of data with
simple mnemonic commands.
Integrated Software:
A single product that deftly performs hundreds of
functions that the user never needs and awkwardly
performs the half-dozen he uses constantly.
Laptop:
Smaller and lighter than the average breadbox.
Multitasking:
A clever method of simultaneously slowing down the multitude
of computer programs that insist on running too fast.
Network:
An electronic means of allowing more than one person at a time to
corrupt, trash, and otherwise cause permanent damage to useful
information.
Portable:
Smaller and lighter than the average refrigerator.
Support:
The mailing of advertising literature to customers who have returned
a registration card.
Transportability:
Neither chained to a wall or attached to an alarm system.
Printer:
An electromechnical paper shredding device.
Spreadsheet:
A program that gives the user quick and easy access to a wide
variety of highly detailed reports based on highly inaccurate
assumptions.
Thought Processor:
An electronic version of the intended outline procedure
that thinking people instantly abandon upon graduation
from high school.
Upgraded:
Didn't work the first time.
User Friendly:
Supplied with a full color manual.
Very User Friendly:
Supplied with a disk and audiotape so the user need
not bother with the full color manual.
Version 1.0:
Buggier than Maine in June; eats data.
Version 1.1:
Eats data only occasionally; upgrade is free, to avoid litigation
by disgruntled users of Version 1.0.
Version 2.0:
The version originally planned as the first release, except for
a couple of data-eating bugs that just won't seem to go away;
no free upgrades or the company would go bankrupt.
Version 3.0:
The revision in the works when the company goes bankrupt.
Videotex:
A moribund electronic service offering people the privelege of
paying to read the weather on their television screens instead
of having Willard Scott read it to them free while they
brush their teeth.
Warranty: Disclaimer.
Workstation:
A computer or terminal slavishly linked to a mainframe that does
not offer game programs.
Thursday, August 2, 2007
Unix Error Messages
Needs some knowledge of Bash Scripting
$ PATH=pretending! /usr/ucb/which sense
no sense in pretending
$ drink
opener: not found
$ mkdir matter; cat >matter
matter: cannot create
Or, in a System V (att) universe:
$ cat "can of food"
cat: cannot open can of food
$ PATH=pretending! /usr/ucb/which sense
no sense in pretending
$ drink
opener: not found
$ mkdir matter; cat >matter
matter: cannot create
Or, in a System V (att) universe:
$ cat "can of food"
cat: cannot open can of food
Hello World
The way people code Hello World depends on their age and job
High School/Jr.High
10 PRINT "HELLO WORLD"
20 END
First year in College
program Hello(input, output)
begin
writeln('Hello World')
end.
Senior year in College
(defun hello
(print
(cons 'Hello (list 'World))))
New professional
#include
void main(void)
{
char *message[] = {"Hello ", "World"};
int i;
for(i = 0; i < 2; ++i)
printf("%s", message[i]);
printf("\n");
}
Seasoned professional
#include
#include
class string
{
private:
int size;
char *ptr;
public:
string() : size(0), ptr(new char('\0')) {}
string(const string &s) : size(s.size)
{
ptr = new char[size + 1];
strcpy(ptr, s.ptr);
}
~string()
{
delete [] ptr;
}
friend ostream &operator <<(ostream &, const string &);
string &operator=(const char *);
};
ostream &operator<<(ostream &stream, const string &s)
{
return(stream << s.ptr);
}
string &string::operator=(const char *chrs)
{
if (this != &chrs)
{
delete [] ptr;
size = strlen(chrs);
ptr = new char[size + 1];
strcpy(ptr, chrs);
}
return(*this);
}
int main()
{
string str;
str = "Hello World";
cout << str << endl;
return(0);
}
System Administrator
#include
#include
main()
{
char *tmp;
int i=0;
/* on y va bourin */
tmp=(char *)malloc(1024*sizeof(char));
while (tmp[i]="Hello Wolrd"[i++]);
/* Ooopps y'a une infusion ! */
i=(int)tmp[8];
tmp[8]=tmp[9];
tmp[9]=(char)i;
printf("%s\n",tmp);
}
Apprentice Hacker
#!/usr/local/bin/perl
$msg="Hello, world.\n";
if ($#ARGV >= 0) {
while(defined($arg=shift(@ARGV))) {
$outfilename = $arg;
open(FILE, ">" . $outfilename) || die "Can't write $arg: $!\n";
print (FILE $msg);
close(FILE) || die "Can't close $arg: $!\n";
}
} else {
print ($msg);
}
1;
Experienced Hacker
#include
#include
#define S "Hello, World\n"
main(){exit(printf(S) == strlen(S) ? 0 : 1);}
Seasoned Hacker
% cc -o a.out ~/src/misc/hw/hw.c
% a.out
Hello, world.
Guru Hacker
% cat
Hello, world.
New Manager
10 PRINT "HELLO WORLD"
20 END
Middle Manager
mail -s "Hello, world." bob@b12
Bob, could you please write me a program that prints "Hello, world."?
I need it by tomorrow.
^D
Senior Manager
% zmail jim
I need a "Hello, world." program by this afternoon.
Chief Executive
% letter
letter: Command not found.
% mail
To: ^X ^F ^C
% help mail
help: Command not found.
% damn!
!: Event unrecognized
% logout
Research Scientist
PROGRAM HELLO
PRINT *, 'Hello World'
END
Older research Scientist
WRITE (6, 100)
100 FORMAT (1H ,11HHELLO WORLD)
CALL EXIT
END
###courtesy:GNU###
High School/Jr.High
10 PRINT "HELLO WORLD"
20 END
First year in College
program Hello(input, output)
begin
writeln('Hello World')
end.
Senior year in College
(defun hello
(cons 'Hello (list 'World))))
New professional
#include
void main(void)
{
char *message[] = {"Hello ", "World"};
int i;
for(i = 0; i < 2; ++i)
printf("%s", message[i]);
printf("\n");
}
Seasoned professional
#include
#include
class string
{
private:
int size;
char *ptr;
public:
string() : size(0), ptr(new char('\0')) {}
string(const string &s) : size(s.size)
{
ptr = new char[size + 1];
strcpy(ptr, s.ptr);
}
~string()
{
delete [] ptr;
}
friend ostream &operator <<(ostream &, const string &);
string &operator=(const char *);
};
ostream &operator<<(ostream &stream, const string &s)
{
return(stream << s.ptr);
}
string &string::operator=(const char *chrs)
{
if (this != &chrs)
{
delete [] ptr;
size = strlen(chrs);
ptr = new char[size + 1];
strcpy(ptr, chrs);
}
return(*this);
}
int main()
{
string str;
str = "Hello World";
cout << str << endl;
return(0);
}
System Administrator
#include
#include
main()
{
char *tmp;
int i=0;
/* on y va bourin */
tmp=(char *)malloc(1024*sizeof(char));
while (tmp[i]="Hello Wolrd"[i++]);
/* Ooopps y'a une infusion ! */
i=(int)tmp[8];
tmp[8]=tmp[9];
tmp[9]=(char)i;
printf("%s\n",tmp);
}
Apprentice Hacker
#!/usr/local/bin/perl
$msg="Hello, world.\n";
if ($#ARGV >= 0) {
while(defined($arg=shift(@ARGV))) {
$outfilename = $arg;
open(FILE, ">" . $outfilename) || die "Can't write $arg: $!\n";
print (FILE $msg);
close(FILE) || die "Can't close $arg: $!\n";
}
} else {
print ($msg);
}
1;
Experienced Hacker
#include
#include
#define S "Hello, World\n"
main(){exit(printf(S) == strlen(S) ? 0 : 1);}
Seasoned Hacker
% cc -o a.out ~/src/misc/hw/hw.c
% a.out
Hello, world.
Guru Hacker
% cat
Hello, world.
New Manager
10 PRINT "HELLO WORLD"
20 END
Middle Manager
mail -s "Hello, world." bob@b12
Bob, could you please write me a program that prints "Hello, world."?
I need it by tomorrow.
^D
Senior Manager
% zmail jim
I need a "Hello, world." program by this afternoon.
Chief Executive
% letter
letter: Command not found.
To: ^X ^F ^C
% help mail
help: Command not found.
% damn!
!: Event unrecognized
% logout
Research Scientist
PROGRAM HELLO
PRINT *, 'Hello World'
END
Older research Scientist
WRITE (6, 100)
100 FORMAT (1H ,11HHELLO WORLD)
CALL EXIT
END
###courtesy:GNU###
Funny C/C++ declarations!
Need some C/C++ knowledge :-)
May contain "explicit" words
auto accident;
register voters;
static electricity;
struct by_lightning;
void *where_prohibited;
char broiled;
short circuit;
short changed;
long johns;
long dong_silver;
unsigned long letter;
double entendre;
double trouble;
union organizer;
union jack;
float valve;
short pants;
union station;
void check; unsigned check;
struct dumb by[sizeof member];
union onion;
/*if GCC extensions are allowed*/
long long ago; /* in a galaxy far far away */
const ipated;
case closed:
double or_nothing;
short sighted;
void if_removed; /* warranty */
volatile buggy_code;
unsigned anonymous;
int erbreed;
/* Borland's additional C keywords */
huge penis;
interrupt ed;
near sighted;
far out;
men()
{
goto pub;
pub:
return pissed;
}
women()
{
goto bathroom;
bathroom:
while (1) ;
}
class dismissed : public annoyance
###Extracted from GNU's site###
May contain "explicit" words
auto accident;
register voters;
static electricity;
struct by_lightning;
void *where_prohibited;
char broiled;
short circuit;
short changed;
long johns;
long dong_silver;
unsigned long letter;
double entendre;
double trouble;
union organizer;
union jack;
float valve;
short pants;
union station;
void check; unsigned check;
struct dumb by[sizeof member];
union onion;
/*if GCC extensions are allowed*/
long long ago; /* in a galaxy far far away */
const ipated;
case closed:
double or_nothing;
short sighted;
void if_removed; /* warranty */
volatile buggy_code;
unsigned anonymous;
int erbreed;
/* Borland's additional C keywords */
huge penis;
interrupt ed;
near sighted;
far out;
men()
{
goto pub;
pub:
return pissed;
}
women()
{
goto bathroom;
bathroom:
while (1) ;
}
class dismissed : public annoyance
###Extracted from GNU's site###
Human DNA deciphered into C code!
May contain "offensive" words. Read at ur own risk!!!
For many years molecular biologists have been mystified by the fact that very
little of an organism's DNA seems to serve any useful function.
I have solved the mystery.
The reason why only 30% of human DNA performs any useful function is that the
rest of it is comments.
Once we decode a typical human genome, we see that the contents begin as
follows:
===
/* HUMAN_DNA.H
*
* Human Genome
* Version 2.1
*
* (C) God
*/
/* Revision history:
*
* 0000-00-01 00:00 1.0 Adam.
* 0000-00-02 10:00 1.1 Eve.
* 0000-00-03 02:11 1.2 Added penis code to male version. A bit messy --
* will require a rewrite later on to make it neater.
* 0017-03-12 03:14 1.3 Added extra sex drive to male.h; took code from
* elephant-dna.c
* 0145-10-03 16:33 1.4 Removed tail.
* 1115-00-31 17:20 1.5 Shortened forearms, expanded brain case.
* 2091-08-20 13:56 1.6 Opposable thumbs added to hand() routine.
* 2501-04-09 14:04 1.7 Minor cosmetic improvements -- skin colour made
* darker to match my own image.
* 2909-07-12 02:21 1.8 Dentition inadequate; added extra 'wisdom' teeth.
* Must remember to make mouth bigger to compensate.
* 4501-12-31 14:18 1.9 Increase average height.
* 5533-02-12 17:09 2.0 Added gay option, triggered by high population
* density, to try and slow the overpopulation problem.
* 6004-11-04 16:11 2.1 Made forefinger narrower to fit hole in centre of
* CD.
*/
/* Standard definitions
*/
#define SEX male
#define HEIGHT 1.84
#define MASS 68
#define RACE caucasian
/* Include inherited traits from parent DNA files.
*
* Files must be pre-processed with MENDEL program to provide proper
* inheritance features.
*/
#include "mother.h"
#include "father.h"
#infndef FATHER
#warn("Father unknown -- guessing\n")
#include "bastard.h"
#endif
/* Set up sex-specific functions and variables
*/
#include
/* Kludged code -- I'll re-design this lot and re-write it as a proper
* library sometime soon.
*/
struct genitals
{
#ifdef MALE
Penis *jt;
#endif
/* G_spot *g; Removed for debugging purposes */
#ifdef FEMALE
Vagina *p;
#endif
}
/* Initialization bootstrap routine -- called before DNA duplication.
* Allocates buffers and sets up protein file pointers
*/
DNA *zygote_initialize(Sperm *, Ovum *);
/* MAIN INITIALIZATION CODE
*
* Returns structures containing pre-processed phenotypes for the organism
* to display at birth.
*
* Will be improved later to make output less ugly.
*/
Characteristic *lookup_phenotype(Identifier *i);
===
...and so on.
[ Note that God uses three-space tabs ]
##Extracted from gnu's site##
For many years molecular biologists have been mystified by the fact that very
little of an organism's DNA seems to serve any useful function.
I have solved the mystery.
The reason why only 30% of human DNA performs any useful function is that the
rest of it is comments.
Once we decode a typical human genome, we see that the contents begin as
follows:
===
/* HUMAN_DNA.H
*
* Human Genome
* Version 2.1
*
* (C) God
*/
/* Revision history:
*
* 0000-00-01 00:00 1.0 Adam.
* 0000-00-02 10:00 1.1 Eve.
* 0000-00-03 02:11 1.2 Added penis code to male version. A bit messy --
* will require a rewrite later on to make it neater.
* 0017-03-12 03:14 1.3 Added extra sex drive to male.h; took code from
* elephant-dna.c
* 0145-10-03 16:33 1.4 Removed tail.
* 1115-00-31 17:20 1.5 Shortened forearms, expanded brain case.
* 2091-08-20 13:56 1.6 Opposable thumbs added to hand() routine.
* 2501-04-09 14:04 1.7 Minor cosmetic improvements -- skin colour made
* darker to match my own image.
* 2909-07-12 02:21 1.8 Dentition inadequate; added extra 'wisdom' teeth.
* Must remember to make mouth bigger to compensate.
* 4501-12-31 14:18 1.9 Increase average height.
* 5533-02-12 17:09 2.0 Added gay option, triggered by high population
* density, to try and slow the overpopulation problem.
* 6004-11-04 16:11 2.1 Made forefinger narrower to fit hole in centre of
* CD.
*/
/* Standard definitions
*/
#define SEX male
#define HEIGHT 1.84
#define MASS 68
#define RACE caucasian
/* Include inherited traits from parent DNA files.
*
* Files must be pre-processed with MENDEL program to provide proper
* inheritance features.
*/
#include "mother.h"
#include "father.h"
#infndef FATHER
#warn("Father unknown -- guessing\n")
#include "bastard.h"
#endif
/* Set up sex-specific functions and variables
*/
#include
/* Kludged code -- I'll re-design this lot and re-write it as a proper
* library sometime soon.
*/
struct genitals
{
#ifdef MALE
Penis *jt;
#endif
/* G_spot *g; Removed for debugging purposes */
#ifdef FEMALE
Vagina *p;
#endif
}
/* Initialization bootstrap routine -- called before DNA duplication.
* Allocates buffers and sets up protein file pointers
*/
DNA *zygote_initialize(Sperm *, Ovum *);
/* MAIN INITIALIZATION CODE
*
* Returns structures containing pre-processed phenotypes for the organism
* to display at birth.
*
* Will be improved later to make output less ugly.
*/
Characteristic *lookup_phenotype(Identifier *i);
===
...and so on.
[ Note that God uses three-space tabs ]
##Extracted from gnu's site##
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